Business Lunch At the Russian Tea Room
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- Starting line:
- hello?
- Margaret: Hello, Chris, it's me your agent. Are you awake yet?
- Chris: Oh, Margaret, Hi.
- Margaret: I'm reminding you that you have a meeting at the Russian Tea Room with Melissa Stearn.
- Chris: Oh, right, yes, I'd almost forgotten. Who is she again?
- Margaret: She's a new script development person at Zerofax. She's apparently very hot in Hollywood right now. And she likes writers from the theatre.
- Chris: Oh, well, that's good.
- [Cue] Chris: Oh, well that's good.
-
*Intro* Chris is a simple playwrite. However, when his ordinary world clashes with the absurdity of Hollywood he finds himself--
CC: RICH!
--He finds himself
CC: Empowered!
--He finds himself in an awkward situation. Business Lunch at the Russian Tea Room.
CC: By Christopher Durang - [Cue] Chris: Oh, well that's good. *Intro, it ends*
- Waiter: Here's your borscht, sir.
- [Cue]Waiter: Here's your borscht, sir.
- Chris: I didn't order borscht. This isn't mine.
- [Cue]Chris: I didn't order borscht. This isn't mine.
- Waiter: You don't want it?
- [Cue] Waiter: You don't want it?
- Chris: I didn't order it. I just got here.
- [Cue]Chris: I didn't order it. I just got here.
- Waiter: I'll take it back then.
- Melissa: I love your work. Prelude to a Kiss was my favorite play, my life story exactly.
- Chris: It was your life story? you mean, on your wedding day your spirit left your body and entered the body of an old man?
- Melissa: I think that's part of the point of being a woman, you should do everything once.
- Chris: Uh huh. You mean, ice hockey. Mass murder. Working in a library.
- Melissa: And what will you have?
- Chris: I'll have scrambled eggs.
- Melissa: You should have borscht. It's delicious here.
- Waiter: He doesn't like borscht.
- Melissa: Bring it to him anyway.
- Chris: I'll have scrambled eggs please (waiter walks off) You know. I have to tell you, I didn't actually write prelude to a kiss. That was Craig Lucas.
- Melissa: Oh, that's right. Well, he wasn't available so we then called you.
- Chris: Thank you.
- Melissa: Nora Ephron is the kind of quality writer we want to work with. That's why I'm meeting with you as well.
- Chris: Thank you.
- Melissa: What was that Julia Roberts movie called?
- Chris: Sleeping with the Enemy?
- Melissa: I need my food now please.
- Waiter: Alright, alright, here's your fucking caviar.
- Melissa: It's sort of like going to the bank and eating your money. Mmmm, delicious.
- Chris: I didn't order borscht. I don't like borscht.
- Chris: I didn't order borscht. I don't like borscht.
- Waiter: Enjoy your meal. Fuck you.
- Waiter: Enjoy your meal. Fuck you.
- Chris: Why is he being so rude?
- Melissa: Do you want to write the movie?
- Chris: What movie?
- Melissa: Now here's the idea for you. Shall I tell you?
- Chris: I guess so. I'm here.
- Melissa: Henry-style, each has a sex change without telling the other one.
- Chris: Ah.
- Melissa: you went to Catholic school apparently for 100 years or something...
- Chris: Yes, well, twelve years.
- Melissa: That's amazing. You must have incredible stories.
- Chris: Uh huh.
- Melissa: What? Don't you think it's brilliant?
- Chris: Yes, but...I don't really know anything about rabbis.
- Melissa: Well, we'll call up a Jew and get them to tell you.
- Chris: I'm not sure if this idea is right for me.
- Melissa: We really think you'll understand the religious angle.
- Chris: Uh huh.
- Melissa: So when can you start?
- Chris: I'm not sure that I'm available actually. I'm trying to write a play, and I have some letters to answer. And I haven't finished sorting my laundry.
- Melissa: And I like that, because I'm a real person.
- Chris: Funny. You don't seem like one.
- Melissa: She's gonna go bankrupt and then if she apologizes in public, maybe we'll keep her from going to jail.
- Chris: Really. Now that sounds like an interesting story.
- Melissa: Now this priest-rabbi-sex-change-but-it's-touching, that's new.
- Chris: Shouldn't you be getting to Nora Ephron?
- Melissa: Oh, I have a couple mintues. Let me tell you my other ideas.
- Chris: Alright.
- Melissa: DId you see the movie Cruising?
- Chris: Yes.
- Melissa: S&M Murders. Al pacino as an undercover cop posing as a homosexual in leather.
- Chris: Yes, I remember it.
- Melissa: Re-do the whole movie, but with children.
- Chris: What? You mean 10 year olds in leather?
- Melissa: We could get Gus Van Sant.
- Chris: Yes, I might write that one. Wouldn't we all go to prison?
- Melissa: We'd get Janet Reno to give us a special dispensation.
- Chris: Uh huh. Well, I can't believe we'd be allowed to make that movie.
- Melissa: Now we can say fuck and show decapitations. So life moves forward.
- Chris: Check please.
- Melissa: It's been nice meeting you.
- *Transition to phone convo. with Margaret* Chris: Hello?
- Margaret: Hello, Chris. This is Margaret. How did your meeting with Melissa Stearn go?
- Chris: It went very well.
- Margaret: Do you want to write it?
- Chris: I think I need to finish matching my socks, and then maybe take a bath. Then I need to take my brain out and let it soak overnight in Clorox or something, and then...maybe I should consider moving to Europe.
- Margaret: Well, just take a nap, she's not the only person in Hollywood.
- Chris: Yes, but sometimes it feels like she is.
- Margaret: Sleep on it. Mull over the idea for the evening, Alright?
- Chris: Alright. A priest. A rabbi. They fall in love. It's funny, it's touching. Different cultures, they clash, they contrast. Easter versus Passover. Baptism versus briss. They meet in an S&M bar with Al Pacino. No, that's the other idea. They meet at a communion breakfast.
- [Cue] Chris: They meet at a communion breakfast.
- Priest: Good morning, Mrs. McGillicutty. Thank you, I'm glad you liked the sermon.
- [Cue]Priest: Good morning, Mrs. McGillicutty. Thank you, I'm glad you liked the sermon.
- Chris: He's young, he's handsome. he's celibate. Rabbi Teitelbaum comes into the church looking confused.
- Rabbi: Oy, oy, vhere am I?
- Priest: May I help you?
- [Cue]Priest: May I help you?
- Chris: Their eyes meet. They consider dating. They go to discos.
- Melissa: No, no, no, not vulgar. We want sensitivity. Zerofax is big on sensitivity.
- Chris: They don't go to a disco. They go for long walks in the autumn. They discover one another's humanity.
- Rabbi: Vhat beautiful trees. I see God's face in the autumn leaves.
- Priest: Yes, Rabbi, me too.
- Rabbi: Oy, oy, but I feel so guilty.
- Priest: Don't feel guilty. Oh, Moishe. Even though we have different beliefs, I see more and more that your immortal soul looks just like mine.
- Melissa: Yeah, but sexy. Sensitive, but sexy.
- Priest: you make me hot.
- Rabbi: You make me hot too.
- Priest: I don't think I'm gay, and yet I long to touch your penis.
- Rabbi: Oy, oy, please I'm a rabbi.
- Priest: It's a sin. But can love be a sin?
- Melissa:And make them kiss.
- Priest: I feel so drawn to you Moishe.
- Rabbi: ...I know I want to schtupp you.
- Priest: Oh, Moishe. Oh yes, oh yes.
- Melissa: Just have them kiss, and we'll cut to a close-up of their tongues.
- Chris: Then there's an earthquake, and God strikes them dead. It's a replay of Sodom and Gomorrha, and He kills the priest and rabbi...and everyone in the movie business in Los Angeles.
- Melissa: They haven't had their sex changes yet.
- Chris: I don't want to write this.
- Melissa: No, keep writing, you're doing well.
- Chris: No, I won't write this. It's idiotic. You should write it yourself, you like the idea so much.